My Kids Won’t Be on Social Media

When I think about raising my children, I think about the impact of technology. Moreover, I think about 1) how accessible technology is to our children and 2) the infiltration of social media amongst various technologies and in everyone’s lives. And, as my children get older, I think about when they will ask about social media.

When will I let them go on social media?

Truth be told – I won’t. They’re not going on social media.

One of the biggest things I think about is how social media portrays itself as a foundational form of human contact and is a fundamental requirement for any and all friendships and relationships you will ever have. In fact, it may be considered abnormal for someone not to be on social media because it is seen as a baseline way to communicate with loved ones, friends, and the overall community.

With all that said, years ago, I deleted all my social media accounts. I’ve never looked back and I’ve never regretted. And it is this perspective that has influenced my decision for my children.

I can pinpoint the moment when I made the decision that social media was no longer for me. One day in the midst of dealing with depression and needing to vent my emotions, I sat in my car with my phone with a message written and my finger hovering over the “Post” button. The message was one that was angry and spiteful, but more representative of the strong emotions I was feeling in the moment – things that I’m sure everyone has felt and dealt with. But in that moment, I was prepared to share this with everyone – which would have been a major red flag and cause for concern because I had never said or written anything like this. Still, the process was automatic and almost subconscious. Alone with my thoughts, I prepared to share with the world.

But, there was a battle between the automatic habit of sharing that was pushing my thumb down versus the subconscious inner voice that was holding my thumb up. I was preparing to disperse a message online that, without social media, I would only express in private and with someone I trusted.

What was I doing?

At that moment, things instantly changed. This is not me. After years on various, multiple social media platforms, I was out.

I deleted the message, then began deleting accounts. This all happened swiftly and unannounced. It’s been several years now. Sure, at the time, a few people reached out to see if everything was okay, and everything was by the time they contacted. Shortly after deleting my accounts, I was able to drive home and have a private conversation with someone I trusted.

But the thing is this: I didn’t need to share everything. In fact, I didn’t want to spend time word crafting witty posts or taking pictures of meals so that a former co-worker – an acquaintance from 14 years ago – could read and see. I began to ask myself what role social media played in my life, which led me on a string of thoughts that ultimately led to deciding social media not necessary for me.

As a side effect, I realized I still had relationships and was still able to talk with loved ones once social media was gone. Social media was not as foundational to as I thought or as it portrayed to be. The only things that changed was 1) there was a lot less people to keep track of and 2) I had to make an effort to initiate communication. But, this was a good thing. Investing in those remaining relationships got deeper and stronger. And, communicating without social media wasn’t hard for me because this was a return to former habits, as I hadn’t joined social media until my mid 20’s and left in my mid 30’s.

This has been such a great decision. Meeting up in real life, phones, emails, video chat, text threads and even hand written cards and letters are more than adequate and even more meaningful. It’s because these are intentional, thoughtful forms of communication and human contact rather than passive, click-of-the-button reactions to posts. And it’s these forms of communication and relationship building that I want my children to know as foundational to friendships and relationships.

Now, I know my social media perspective isn’t true for everyone and that social media plays a big, important, meaningful, and necessary part of their life. But not mine and it won’t be in my kid’s lives.

But, what if my kids are the only ones that are not on social media and the rest of their friends are? They are going to miss out.

Tough $#%!. Most children don’t get to do everything they want. They have boundaries. I have boundaries for my children. Heck, I had boundaries as a kid. Growing up, I wanted to do things my friends and other children in the neighborhood were doing, but my parents said “No”. They wanted to raise me and my siblings a certain way which meant not purchasing certain things, not watching certain movies or television shows, not listening to certain songs, not playing certain video games, not going to certain events, or just not interacting with certain people so as not to consider them role-models. My parents had a greater understanding of the long term implications of these things on my development rather than my childhood impressions that what my friends were doing were normal experiences and a right of passage for children.

And you know what? My parents made the right decisions.

Still, surely you can’t prevent your kids from being on social media forever?

No. My plan is not to prevent them or keep them off social media. Heck, as an adult, I’m choosing to see movies, listen to songs and play video games that I wasn’t able to experience as a child. But that’s the thing. Most children get to make their own decisions in life once they become an adult. Guess what? Social media is a decision my children can make when they reach adulthood. But, as long as I’m their parent, I’m going teach my children about internet safety, choosing strong passwords, not sharing private information, to question unsolicited emails and messages, and all the other safeguards children need when interacting with technology.

This is similar to how my parent’s childhood guidance still guides me to curate what I experience now as an adult, and probably one of those subconscious voices keeping my thumb up from posting that message.

So, when my children grow up – with the skills, guidance, experiences and knowledge I have instilled in them as a parent – they will go out and live their life. They will make their own decisions. They will meet who they want to meet. They will go where they want to go. They will go out and explore the world – the physical and the digital.

What I Know vs. What I Do

Before I became a father, I was already told that I would be a good father. Still, I doubted myself. Did I already know what to do?

As a preschool teacher and (at that time) with 14 years experience working with children, when I announced to everyone that I was going to be a dad, everyone was excited for me. This included my fellow teachers, students and families at my preschool.

“You’re going to make a great father,” parents were telling me. “You already work with kids, so you know what to do.”

This was true. I was going into fatherhood with some experience being around children. Not many men go into parenthood with knowledge of working with small children, let alone working with preschool and elementary-aged children. I knew about behaviors, emotions, and I knew a game or two. I knew how to interact with small children, give praises and consequences and, overall, just know how to be around kids.

But here’s the thing: I wasn’t convinced if I would be a good dad. I knew that I would love, care, and do anything for my children, no doubt. However, I knew enough to know that I didn’t know what it would be like to be a parent.

I had never held a baby. I never had been around a 1- or 2-year-old. I never changed a diaper. I never went to a child’s doctor appointment. I could go on, but the point is that I didn’t know how much of my classroom and school experience with children would transfer to being a parent. A preschool classroom is a place that is meant to feel like a home for children, but it is not home.

Now let’s fast forward 9 1/2 years and 3 children later. Did any of that teaching experience help me as a father?

When it comes to behavior management (i.e. classroom management), yes, that has helped. I have a good grasp of explaining things in a way that children can understand. I also know how to search for effective rewards and consequences (which can be hard because sometimes children aren’t always motivated by the reward you’re offering or deterred by the consequence you’re warning). So, when managing behavior, my classroom management skills have been incredibly useful as a dad.

Also, I’m not hesitant to play like a child. Playing with toys, making up voices, or just generally playing dress-up, drawing, or anything else, I’m game! This can be things outside, inside, in my kids room or just jumping around the living room. Sometimes I’ll add little elements to games that will make it new and exciting. However, I don’t know if this would be true for most dads. You can YouTube and see many fathers doing the same thing. However, personally for me, I needed those initial icebreakers as a teachers to go into fatherhood ready to go.

Now, for the things where my teaching experience has had little to no effect. The best way I can do this by making a list:

• birth of a child
• caring for a baby
• feeding a baby
• handling a crying baby
• sleepiness nights
• sleeping on the ground
• moving silently
• new stressors (such as leaving the house, car rides, and being in public)
• medical visits
• medical shots
• toilet training
• …much more that I can’t think of…

I’ve also learned some new things that teaching in a classroom didn’t teach me:

• bribery
• pleading
• the joy of drive thru’s and curbside pick-up
• YouTube Kids
• Rite Aid, Walgreens, and CVS
• Children’s ibuprofen and Tylenol
• the importance of frozen foods and microwaves
• the importance of food delivery
• the importance of alone time
• Sangria
• …again, much more that I can’t think of…

I could go on, but this isn’t a life vomit…

…and “vomit” should be somewhere here too…

…but the point is teaching helped me in some ways, but not in all ways. That’s even true today. Now I have over 23 years experience of working in education and a more vast knowledge of child development, but there are things where teaching doesn’t overlap into my parenting – that my teaching and child development knowledge doesn’t translate into parent actions.

What I knew didn’t become what I did.

For example, I would never consider bribing my students as a teaching technique. But, oh, you best believe I’m offering a popsicle to stop someone crying, especially at 7pm and I’m just done.

Also, I know the importance of screen time, having limits, and making sure children have real life experiences. But, oh, if it’s Saturday between 5:30am and 7:30am, Blippi is my children’s father.

What we know doesn’t always translate into what we do, and I knew that going into fatherhood. I’m glad that I went into it with a realistic understanding that I would need to learn how to be a parent. I didn’t let the kudos and praise get to my head, giving me a false sense that I was going to ace parenthood. What I did do was learn skills and techniques from my 1st child, then applied and learned from the 2nd, and applied and learned from the 3rd. Not exactly the same for each one, and even a few new things I learned from each of my children. And, as time goes forward, the more parent knowledge I acquire, the more of what I know becomes more of what I do.

Not done yet though. Although my kiddos are 9, 6, and 3, there are things I still have yet to experience. I’m an experienced enough parent to say that. Like having a 17-, 14-, and 11-year old all in the same house.

Ohhhh! Bracing for that!

Knowledge vs. Skill

I’ve learned a lot about how children learn things. Sometimes, this understanding came from working with children.

One child that I learned a lot from was a boy named Bobby. Now, Bobby isn’t his real name, but the story about how he learned language – and the lessons I took away from my work with him – are real.

Bobby was in my preschool classroom several years ago and his language was very limited for a four-year-old. He spoke in single word sentences. Sometimes those single words would be a direction, a name, or the name of a toy. Additionally, sometimes the word he spoke had nothing to do with the conversation or event that was happening.

For example, the word would be something like “Thomas” – the name of his toy train that he carried around the classroom. It had nothing to do with what I was doing at my activity table, which involved matching pictures.

Did he want me to look at Thomas? Did he need to go to the bathroom? I didn’t know. This perplexed me.

Over my time in teaching, I’ve learned a lot about child development, helping various children learn things in different ways. One of the biggest lessons I learned is the difference between teaching knowledge and teaching a skill.

Knowledge is something that someone can tell you, you can remember, and remembering means mastery. Knowledge requires very little practice and, once you’ve remembered the information, you’re good to go.

Now, this was my understanding of how I should teach Bobby. I would share more words, be a role model by demonstrating how to use the words, point to objects and identify them, etc. However, despite how many words I taught Bobby, Bobby wasn’t using them. Circle time, small groups, free play, outside and during meal times – nearly every part of the day was filled with conversations and language, but Bobby would continue to speak in single words.

That’s because learning language is a skill.

Skills are things that takes practice and practice and you get better over time.

This was a change in my thinking. Teaching Bobby language was going to required Bobby to practice – a lot and over time. And, that growth would only be seen over time and incremental steps.

For months and months and months, I continued to teach Bobby new words. One month, Bobby’s single words was “Percy”. Then another month, it was “Jackie Chan”. It was slow and time consuming.

But, over time, Bobby showed progress. He would speak using two words. He would use words in context to what the classroom was doing or it would match what he wanted to do or needed.

Most rewarding was toward the end of the year when Bobby and I were able to have a pretend back-and-forth conversation over the “phone”, where he wished me a Happy Birthday and spoke in several 2-3 words sentences. It took a lot of practice to learn the words, remember the words, and learn how to use those words in a meaningful way.

Most things children learn are skills. It takes time and practice, trial and error. And this takes time, practice and feedback. When children don’t get it the first time, that doesn’t mean that they don’t know. They need more practice and more feedback. Look, they’ve only been alive for three, four, or five years. Let’s cut them a little slack.